this is just lazy writing. kind of love

i need to be consciously kinder, because i’ve noticed sometimes i’m casually/subconsciously unnecessarily fastidious and annoying. i need to consciously keep in mind that other people also have an individualistic state of mind and are going through their lives in their own way/experience. sonder. and it becomes especially bittersweet to realise the private individual moments that people i’ve lived and grown to take granted have. my mom, my sister, my father, my cousins and my grandmother.

sometimes my private and individual moments are moments of sadness, of realisation of something i’ve done wrong. sometimes these moments pass by so quickly, it’s hard to fully catch a glimpse of their material. thereby making it hard to fully understand what it was, what i felt. only incomplete traces of sorrowful moments paused forever in history. un-understood.

writing down my thoughts has been so difficult lately. thinking is emotionally laboursome. writing down in words is like me trying hard to do something great and failing every sentence. there i saved my ass by admitting self inadequacy. knocking hopefully on a door forever that never gonna open. my aesthetic itself is sadness. my greatest art project is myself. i’m too self-indulgent and too non-confident.

my writing is all over the place, just like my room.

but we share more in our relationships than just being unintentionally mean to personally important people. there is a kind love that makes you forget, and the kind of love that makes you remember. forget the pain they inflicted on you, and remember the pain you inflicted on them. this is jut lazy writing.

Advertisements

a tale of confidence

it was 2003. on an early morning, 7 year old me got ready and left for school. it was an exam day. after having a rough start to the academic year of my 2nd grade, i was feeling good about this exam. i had prepared. i got into my classroom and sat on my bench, as had the other kids. i took my book out to “revise”. that was a word i had learned only that year. i remember being quite into revising. i was confident about this exam. soon the supervisor announced that the exam was about to start. i had to take out my exam pad, pencil-box & a ruler. i put my notebook, from which i was revising, under the desk. the supervisor told us to keep our schoolbags at the very end of the classroom. so right after i took out my stuff, i went to the back end of the classroom with my bag. I went back to my bench and soon the exam began. it was good question-paper. the revision had payed off. i knew the answers. as i sat there writing the answers, the supervisor was making rounds. mid-way through the exam, the supervisor noticed my brown paper-covered notebook under the desk. I had forgotten to keep it back in my schoolbag. He, or she, i can’t remember the sex, asked me about it, asserting very angrily that i was cheating on the exam. I had no words. suddenly, very violently, my attention had been forced upon this supervisor, from the exam that i was so sincerely writing. He/she shouted at me, and was very furious. he/she pulled the attention of the whole class on to us. I couldn’t speak. no words were coming out of my mouth. i couldn’t tell him/her that I wasn’t cheating, that I kept the book there when i was revising before the exam, that i had forgotten about it. but i was not allowed to write the further. and everybody else would have thought of me as a cheater, something i had not been. that was traumatic for me. for something that should never have happened, it was happened very dramatically, with loud voices and extreme anger. anger towards a child of only 7. cheating on a 2 grade exam should never have a consequence this traumatic for any child, even if they were cheating. there are so many moments i have felt completely at a loss for words. it’s a horrible thing to kick a man when he’s down, or a child that couldn’t defend themself.

23?

I guess now at the age of 23, have I really started getting used to the fact that I am transitioning into an adult. All notions of adulthood, it’s legitimacy, of me being conscious of it only now, or have been before sweep through my mind as I wrote that last sentence. I can’t put a finger on whether everything does have meaning or not. I tend to be more leaning towards the absence of meaning, but I can’t help but be in a world of it. In all the years I’ve spent before when I was capable of critical thought, even the most humane critical thought, I’ve felt a strong sense of self. I’ve been able to notice that self growth through the years to where I am today. At 23. Yet I feel I’m still so young, and to be honest I am! I haven’t had a successful music career still, not working in film, not been a famous photographer or anything at all, not even a writer. I can’t help but compare myself to other 23 years olds of the world. In all the fields I have interest in, and other. I haven’t even found love. I’ve learned to push it away but it comes back. At 23, still so young. I don’t know why 23 seems to young at this point to right now. Maybe I’m looking at it in a future point of view, maybe I’m looking at it from the point of view of my 25 year old self. Because why not. I want to really get things done before I reach 25. Years go by so easily. Time passes invisibly, doesn’t it? It feels that way… but really no. Time is there ticking away in front of you. Every hour hand that moves slowly enough, has one thing to do, move at its pace. If we don’t stop thinking of time like it’s something that changes a million ways the moment we put our hands on our eyes, we’re not gonna be able to it for what it is. We’re gonna keep fooling ourselves. Huh. I’m reading flowers for algernon. I’m able to relate to Charlie so much. I can relate to the childhood Charlie, the growing up Charlie, the emotional charlie, the intellectual Charlie. It’s a greatly written book. I’m loving it, and it’s so easy to read too! I kind of know, even before finishing it, that it’s gonna have a sad ending from that reddit thread (which inspired me to pick this book up). Anyway, it’s late enough. I better sleep. At 23, while I still am. Dodie is also 23 and she’s so cute. And her music is freaking amazing. And I relate to that also so much, it’s insane. Goodnight.

Four rules for interacting with people in general.

  1. Be more tolerant, even to the one’s who have opinions that fuel hatred and condone violence. Have an opinion about why they are wrong to condone hatred and violence.
  2. Be kinder to all people in general discourse and conversation, especially to family members as they are very easily taken for granted by you. You know this because of the guilt and repetitive thoughts of the time you were mildly or outright rude to them.
  3. Be more attentive to people. Be more patient. Hear them out, because if you wont hear them out, you wont have a response to them, whether in congruence with their thoughts or not, that would be considered genuine.
  4. Don’t be too hasty when you make your points in discourse or conversation. It’s okay to be slow as long as you’re reaching a certain point. Putting thoughts into words needs to be done carefully as language is susceptible to be interpreted in twisted ways, going farther from the intended meaning.

I felt like writing down my views about interacting with people because I feel like I often fail at interactions, or debates when I think of them in hindsight. Something called l’esprit de escalier. However, mostly I feel bad when I have been mean to my mom or dad, or grandma, or cousins, etc. These people I realise I take for granted and can be mean to, not always, but in the occasions that I do, I can’t seem to forget very easily. I don’t know whether my being mean is at the scale of relationship-damaging, although that seems very unlikely but that unlikeliness could be like the silent-killer. I realise that this just directs my understanding of social interactions as lacking in confidence, but I’m genuinely unsure. I can be a little callous and sweep such minor instances of rudeness under the rug and go on living, but the sour taste keeps lingering on for a little while. 

Having said that, I’m sure I’m not very rude person. I believe I am mostly self-aware of my conduct, but it’s easy to slip. I have a natural contrarian disposition. And that’s just to say how much I like to oppose people’s opinions. But I am genuinely unsure, to repeat it once again. So I guess it wouldn’t hurt making a general rule list, as I have done so before, for interacting with the people around me based on values that I believe in and that most people would. For me the most important of these rules are to be more tolerant and kinder. So I hope I inculcate them when I talk to my family and friends, and other people in general.

Living Alone #4

Nah, setting absolutes to living a life is not gonna work for me right now. I’m far too busy enjoying experiencing life as it comes my way in fragments, bits and pieces. I’m doing what I wanted to do, just not doing the way I thought I should be doing it. I actually enjoy music now, something I thought had died for me a long time ago. “Oh no, not me, I never lost control” We’re constantly face to face with the “Life”. I can’t afford turning my eyes away from the many different faces life morphs into right before me. The things I love, the things I am good at, and the things I want have never been so close to me. It’s too much in the way you choose to look at things, perception has an awful susceptibility to turn into reality.

And with that, i want to write about how people congratulate themselves for having ‘good taste’. even for songs like The Man Who Sold The World, one the easiest songs to fall in love with. That too the Nirvana cover, as if there aren’t enough kurt cobain fanboys in the world already. the self-congratulatory nature annoys me, but does that mean I am being kind of a snob myself? bwah- that means i’ve stopped that chain of thought. I don’t think one should be afraid of thoughts because of their nature of not stopping. thoughts just are that way, shouldn’t scare you, in fact you provide them a domicile. if anything thoughts should be afraid of you, they don’t even pay rent.

reminds me, david bowie is so amazing. his music is truly fucking amazing! ah all those good songs. I can’t wait to nourish my pretentiousness/snobbery and get a turntable to play the bowie record i have on it.

anyway, it’s really important that we understand and recognise what we want. we should actively pursue those wishes. because it’s easy otherwise too fall into a trap of failure-fear. and we must be willing to let go of things we do not truly like, if we are still associated with them because of pressure put on us ourselves or someone else. it’s okay to keep thinking the same thoughts over and over again. they are not here to stay. If there is one thing every person should be doing is finding out what gives them purpose, happiness, and positive experience. those things should be the ones they ought to sought after. don’t afraid to sell the world.

it’s a shame we let ourselves become too obsessed with giving us identities.

it’s a shame we become too obsessed with our supposed identities. I mean, right before you are out in the grown-up world (which maybe during college or after), you’re a kid maybe between 15 to 19. You’re in the phase where you’re beginning to mature a bit, to understand the ‘adult world’. You still have all the wonderful things in your life from the ages before- the songs, the cartoon shows, the video games, an not a worry about what the future’s gonna hold. The thought of growing up and choosing a particular career can eat you up. That shit kept me awake at night when I was in college. I don’t know how much anxiety about my future fucked me over during that time. I didn’t like what I was studying. And I kinda thought I might end up broke. It’s okay to make wrong choices, as long as you realise that they are wrong and do something about them. I haven’t started earning money yet, but at least I know now that the thought of me ending up with no work of money is ridiculous. I can find work easily, even if it is doing jobs that don’t interest me in any way. Because these things are not as permanent as ‘they’ would have you believe when you’re still a kid. But we also do end up setting ridiculous goals for ourselves as kids, and you get start to get really nervous when you’re older and you’re not those things your kid version thought you’d become. It is as important to remember to not let the childhood-glee-ridden little you make the older you feel bad or nervous about faltering, just as it is to know what you’re doing right now does not have to be permanent. Our identities are not limited in our vocations or jobs, they are in the places we have been to, in the music we listened, the films we remember, and the friendships we make. And those things are only a fraction of who you really are. If there is truly something that limits our identities, it is us and our actions. We must never stop ourselves from becoming what we want.

The Importance of Personal Values

As you go through life at every age, your sense of individuality grows. That sounds like a sensible statement, right? Well, not for me has it been important to write down the importance of personal values ever before than now, at the age of 23 years. And though I have never made so much as a mental list of these personal values, I will try my best to bring them out on this digital paper right from my surprisingly still analog heart. I think it would be surely be neato to make a post about these values, instead of hunting them in my older writing to remember who I was, and instead just write about who I am right now. And as the importance of the often-overlooked present over the constantly-thought-of-by-many past continues to surface in my occasional meditations, I feel like this is the right to do.

So to begin, the core of my being lies in the idea of universal acceptance and kindness. I struggle with insecurity as any other insecure person does, and this insecurity helps hateful thoughts infiltrate my mind often times. But every occasion that a hateful thought finds its place in my mind, there is a constant guard that checks it, and makes me realise the obvious insecurity that invites it in. And though this hateful thought may seem arguably at home, its not welcome here. I can sometimes even be resentful towards myself for letting a hateful thought enter my mind, but that should never be the case. Because like any other person that is insecure, I am only human. Making silly assumptions should be looked upon as just silly mistakes, and no mistake should ever be held up against anything that is human. Therefore, this important value of acceptance should not only be applied to other humans, but also should be applied to the human within. I struggle to have an identity, but maybe the whole concept having an identity, or building one is so absurd. Isn’t every human being an identity in itself? Shouldn’t that be painfully obvious? Everyone has a brain. Everyone has the traditional metaphorical heart. So naturally everyone has an identity, there shouldn’t be any question about that. And as the maturity that comes with the attitude of acceptance, so comes the intellect of examining and understanding the identities of other human beings.

Another Important value for me is to be polite to people. I gotta admit, I am not very good at this. But often times I do remind myself of that there are troubles that other people also go through in their lives and there are pains they may be carrying. All it takes is one attack to bring them down if I am not careful with my words. And most often we aren’t. We are quick to use words as weapons. These are just mistakes that us human are prone to commit. But as a rule, we must make sure that we don’t act too out of the line. Mutual respect & courtesy find very much their place in this value. While I may sound like a saintly Guru Kid-wannabe, I can’t pretend like these are meaningless boring values. Believe me, my insecurity doesn’t help me in trying to be nice, but being mean spirited, being straight up rude is not acceptable where such spirit is not due. I’m smart enough to figure out what consists of fun and what consists of bullying and meanness. We all posses that mental faculty, simple distinguishment. (Yes, that’s a word).

These ValuesTM don’t define me, they are an extension of the person I am and the person I’d like to be. Although I would like it if I manage to incorporate them in my life enough for other people to notice them and be inspired to be the same with me and others. A kid can dream.

Now that we’ve moved passed the values socially-imagined as moral, let’s move towards values that should be socially contextualised and adopted in place of the preexisting ones. And the first one of them is …(drum roll)… Not giving up! Not ever giving up on a good cause. On an honest cause, on a positive, helpful cause. I have had a history of getting quickly disheartened. And although that tendency continues, an equal opposing force of picking myself up helps me out and gets me running back on track again. I don’t know about you, but to me it looks like individuals in the world today are getting more demotivated by the day. It sure would do them real good if they learned to just take that one step toward not only disobeying the bad part of their minds, but defying it with a vengeance! This kind of ‘superpower’ is acquirable through one of those things we spoke about up there- being kind to yourself. When you have your back, literally nobody in the world can make you feel bad, most importantly, not even you. This is the value that we should be taught as children in school. For all of us face adversities in our lives, and not giving up in the face of adversity is the right thing to do.

While we move on our righteous path in a non-righteous world of human-made meaning, the next value, perhaps the most-important one is something that should be treated with the highest important. It may not always be easy to follow this one. But it’s the most liberating one. Honesty. The toughest value of them all, ironically one that come through the gentlest of way. Just by not being the great pretender. Oh yes, we all are the great pretenders! Especially those sitting on those big, high chairs, pretending they know the “truth”. I struggle with honesty, because you see, once again I include my insecurity into the life equation. Insecurity is unfortunately a biggie in my life. (And still every time I write insecurity I spell is as insequrity). Being honest with other people can be difficult for me when I tend to avoid other people for the most part! Being honest to myself can be hard because that would mean telling myself that I do avoid people, that I am scared of interaction, I worry about my image, that other people will see me for the fraud that I am, that no one will like me, th- wait, hold on a second. Do you see that? After half way through those honest confessions, I steered along the insecurity part! I started saying bad things about me! And the craziest part is, I am not even a fraud! That makes it the very opposite of the value this paragraph speaks of… it’s dishonest! And the truth is, I’d like for everyone to know me for the real person that I am! Funny how even whilst being honest to myself, I can become wrapped-up in disheartening lies. That’s why the struggle with honesty is real. Honesty can make you vulnerable. You let your guard down that has kept the real you hidden from everyone else. But it’s far from being undefeatable. (Certainly a word). The way to defeat insecurity, the big baddie, is through a combination of these values.

  1. First up is Not giving up on you. You are the good cause to fight for, and for your own sake, do not give up on yourself. The bad thought that is in your mind, it’s just a thought as any. In your head everything is a mere non-physical idea. It’s certainly not a big giant cloud of dust and volcanic ash to run away from, no. It’s just a thought. Don’t give up on you.
  2. Next up is Being Kind to Yourself. When you hear your brain being mean to you, you gotta take control and tell yourself that that’s not true. The bad thing you said isn’t something you can just shamelessly say to someone. It’s just not a smart thing to do to anybody. The pain that saying something bad inflicts on that person is not something that you would want to go through. So why deliberately call yourself all the things that you wouldn’t call someone else? Be Polite to yourself. Respect yourself.
  3. Third up is actually a value I haven’t still written about in this post – Self-awareness. It actually comes under honesty, but the reason why I must write it separately here is that self-awareness can help you when honesty is compromised. Having an understanding of your presence, your self-worth, your individuality, your creativity, and learning and reviewing the many different thoughts that your mind circulates each day are some of the things that make-up self-awareness. With self-awareness, you can easily identify when you’re going off-track and start saying bad things about yourself. Self-awareness is not something that will instantly make you feel good, but it can help you identify your current state of being. By reviewing your thought, if you come to the conclusion that you are not actually doing so bad after all, you become more aware of the good things in your life. But through self-awareness if you find out you are actually doing really badly, well now you know for sure. You know you mind is wounded and the next step is to take care of it. What do you do? Go back to value one. Be kind to yourself. Change your mental dialog from mean and sad to encouraging and positive. A little positive reinforcement goes a long way. Do not speak to yourself the way you wouldn’t want to be spoken to by someone else.

And for the final thing, I’m going to write about the importance of Change. As I, or you, incorporate these values in our lives, we bring about a certain change in the place of what stood before them. Change, the only constant in the universe. Change is something to strive for, yet, change doesn’t need our efforts to bring it. It just brings itself. There are an infinite number of different changes, just as there are an infinite number of phase in our lives. When we see some change in our lives that we can stand by, we must welcome it. If it’s a bad change that scares us, we must strive to change the change itself. Because everything in life is possible, and being happy is no exception. If there is something I would like to change, it’s the silly one-dimensional notions of happiness and sadness. We can’t go on living, thinking that these are concrete states of being in our incredibly complex lives. We have far too much to be concerned about than just that. So relax, settle down. Try to learn more things about you, find out what makes you you. You are you, whether you help it or not. Might as well try to make yourself the person you want to be. And if you’re still feeling powerless, and maybe kindness just can’t bring your spirits up, never ever give up. The next change is right around the corner. You might as well wait it out, because this too shall pass.

The importance of me.

What do you think I do? What do you think you do? For starters- and what could be a better starter than this- I write. I write here on this blog, I write on my phone, I write on my computer’s notepad, sometimes if a note-book is lying around, I write in it. I write about myself, I write ideas, I try to write songs, I try to write poetry, I write an awful lot of prose, I write plot ideas for films, for shorts, I write comedy sketches, I write confrontational thoughts, I write about my feelings, I write about important things to me, I write silly tweets, I like to write what I truly believe in, with as much honesty as I can pour in through the words. Sometimes I just write the goofiest shit ever. I’ve come to realise that I write a fair deal for me. What else do I do?

I’ve been a guitarist for as long as I can remember. I’ve been making tunes, forgetting to record them and hence forgetting tunes, trying out difficult chords, finger patterns, scales, modes. I taught myself how to play the guitar and I did a pretty darn good job at that. I’m a musician. I sing and I play my instruments. In music, as in other areas of life, I teach myself a lot of things. I am teaching myself music-production, recording music I make, or my friends make and trying to turn them into produced music. I have a pretty good talent in music. I am at a stage in my guitar playing that I can learn how to play complex guitar riffs, and shreds pretty quickly. I am reading music and getting better at it. I try to compose music in the form of songs or short guitar pieces. I enjoy spending time with the guitar and I can sometimes get really lost and lose track of time while playing.

In the past year I acquired a completely new set of skills in a new creative field. I started learning how to make films. Ever since I was a little kid I’ve imagined how my films “would be”. I’ve also imagined how I would use a particular piece music or a song in a particular scene. I’ve imagined scenes in my films. I’ve imagined quite a lot. I became an editor.

I’ve been taking pictures for a few years now. I dabbled in different types of digital photography through the years, and have been taking pictures primarily on 35mm film for that last year. I’ve learned a lot in the last few years.

I learned so much about myself. I pulled myself out of a really dark time in my life, and I haven’t had ‘one of those’ episodes in a long time. Every bad thought is quickly countered by my newly found self-love and self-respect. I’ve had a lot of things that are perfect for me. All of my creative interests coincide and work together. Yet I feel inadequate. I get easily intimidated by my fears of not being able to make good art. I don’t wanna call it good, I can’t even make a single component of art. It’s probably just my low self-esteem speaking. I know this doesn’t add up. I’m better than not being able to make a singular comprehensible artistic statement. I’ve been too non-confident to show. I became so ‘domesticated’ that I fear to even show to myself. I can’t even speak to myself through music. I’m so unsure of what I’m saying right now, because I clearly remember the part of me that doesn’t pay any heed to these negative thoughts. I have negative thoughts about myself. But even those can be eliminated. I just need to exhibit more courage.

Why do I keep writing about the things I can do? Why, of course, because I’m terribly insecure about the things I can’t do. I need to constantly remind myself that I’m good. I’m good at things, and with practice I can get better. This is the most sense I can make that can be made. So bear with me, and my ineptitude, and my incomprehensibility, and my lack of confidence, and all that is me. But allow me to show you what I can do. That is the biggest gate I’ve been seeing for many years in my life and I need to cross.

I need help with courage now.

To my first Guitar.

You sound so beautiful

It’s a crime that i get to play you

I’m not the person

That I thought I’d become

It’s such a shame

Who I became

 

I’m hard of hearing

When you complain

I’m so very sorry for

Not acknowledging your pain

I’m tired of trying

to be a better man

It’s like a dream to think

 Of the time when this began

 

It’s not like me to improve

I don’t remember what it’s like to be good

 

please forgive me

I don’t love you

I don’t deserve you

Don’t wanna lose you

Don’t wanna lose you

 

So please forgive me

I’m not trying to find happiness

I’m only running away from despair

You’re disappearing into thin air